Voodoo Walrus: More Fun Than a Barrel Full of Monkeys

Which I will now transcribe, because I’m incredibly bored. Feel free to make this post go away if it conflicts with any funky copyright laws (or just turns out too damn long. (or seems too much like a commercial for transmet…)

(The following is a transcription of the introduction to Transmetropolitan Volume 5. The text is written by Patrick Stewart, and I suppose all rights belong to him and Warren Ellis (as well as Vertigo) )

“Warren Ellis asked me to write this and I am O.K. with that up to a point. My unease is that the point is unnervingly sharp and very likely to turn in my direction. Here is the problem. Warren knows that I am a TRANSMETROPOLITAN fan, but how can he expect me to write about that? Does he think I just came down the Clyde on a tea biscuit? No sirree, this is not my first barbecue. If I write that Spider Jerusalem is my hero, does he think Spider will let me get away with that? I would be lucky to to only suffer a blast from bowel disruoter and it is much more likely me eyeballs will be popped as easily as squeezing a pustule and fed to the cat. If I write that TRANSMET is a beacon of brilliant irony and sardonic satire, could I survive the torrent of salive-drenched invective and scorn S.J. would heap on me? If I wrote that TRANSMET made laugh like a drain, are there enough lavatory bowls to contain Jerusalem’s vomit?

If I confessed that I lusted after the filthy assistants, what foul perversions would I be accused of? If I praised the artwork as the wittiest, most disturbing since George Grosz, I would soon find myself depicted as a fucked-up, mechanics-addicted, feces-smeared back-ground character. If I hailed this vision of the future as persuasive and properly terrifying, I might never live to see it. You get my problem?

I think, however, that I can safely say this: I know this City. I have read The Word, I have listened to these politicans, I have smelt the stink of greed, I have thrown stuff at the TV. I have wondered what future there is for Truth and Beauty. I have wanted to go and live on the top of a Yorkshire moor.

Warren, tell Spider to stay healthy and keep writing the column.

- Patrick Stewart”
(any typos are on my head, and I apologise for them)